No more songs.

No more songs. That's it, simple and plain.


Songs move me, motivate me. But there's no reason for that anymore.




I'd always dealt with thoughts of self-destruction inside me, always vanished them - even if temporarely - anchoring my mind in something substantial.
In my childhood I used to think about the ones who almost gave their lives and abdicated so many things in order to keep me alive, and it was reason enough for me to keep going.
During my teens - which I thought were the worst years - my power of will was constantly defied because each crisis used to come stronger and swallowing me. But I made it, otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?
But the curious is that during my adult life these crisis always come back stronger and stronger, as an inner monster which always knew exactly where my weakest points are and how to reach them. For years I was able to handle those moments - and my anchors were now my kids. First my beloved Clara, then Angelo later on and now Sophia. I can be positive that they were the most precious and important things in my life for they taught me how to survive in a way I couldn't know that was possible and showed me how to be resilient and feel a love that could overcome each and every kind of obstacles I could possibly find in my existence. I hope they never have any doubts about this everlasting love, but I also know that maybe my current decisions will add a fog in front of their eyes and it may take a while for them to understand my reasons and finally forgive my selfish actions and at last see this love again. I completely understand that.

For whoever is reading this, please please please let them know it. It's my only wish.

For those who think that it's something I "got" from my mother: just think again. And now again. Human beings are absurdly complex and different from each other. It's quite surreal when a person tries to label individuals like this. It's superficial and selfish - and kind of lazy, for the person who thinks himself capable of it is totally not willing to think, and search, and discovery. So for you, my honest "shut up".

For those who think I'd possibly quit because of "loving someone" - please, reconsider. All that I'm feeling is a sum of every scar I gathered in and outside of me. Each one of these scars has a distinct pain and reminds me of the worst moments I'd passed since my earliest years. So again - please, do not consider yourself able to understand. People who passed for my existence tried to understand and failed - those who at least tried, of course.

For some rare people was I able to open up - and it hurt as hell when I finally did it. Some of them betrayed me and hurt me even more, using my own words and confessions to make me feel even more miserable. Whoever did it, knows it's all about him/her. Maybe - and I'm just assuming this for I insist on thinking these people may have something good inside of them - they were also hurt as well and couldn't help doing what they did for their own inner monsters were too strong. I'd rather think that's their motivation for doing what they'd done to me.

Now... toxic people. The most bitter pages of my book of life belong to these ones. People who I loved, and once loved me too - and I'm guessing once again - were the ones to whom I gave parts of my soul. But unfortunately for some reason they couldn't handle it, or only momentaneously wanted it around and quit later. Others had me near but decided to hate me with the same speed and will that tried to like me when we'd met. And consciously decided to make my life a living hell. Those I couldn't forgive, and I blame myself for it every day. I don't know if I'll be able to do it one day - if there's even any kind of "something" beyond waiting for me.

If I could summarize this feeling here inside - this very feeling which has accompained me my entire life - it could be something as "dying while alive". And for the first time in my life I'm giving myself the chance to make it all stop. All this pain, all this torment. I just can't stand this anymore.

For those who I loved in any sense - I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't know what else I could say to express what I'm feeling. It's just too much, and I simply can't go any further.