No more songs. That's it, simple and plain.
Songs move me, motivate me. But there's no reason for that anymore.
I'd always dealt with thoughts of self-destruction inside me, always vanished them - even if temporarely - anchoring my mind in something substantial.
In my childhood I used to think about the ones who almost gave their lives and abdicated so many things in order to keep me alive, and it was reason enough for me to keep going.
During my teens - which I thought were the worst years - my power of will was constantly defied because each crisis used to come stronger and swallowing me. But I made it, otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?
But the curious is that during my adult life these crisis always come back stronger and stronger, as an inner monster which always knew exactly where my weakest points are and how to reach them. For years I was able to handle those moments - and my anchors were now my kids. First my beloved Clara, then Angelo later on and now Sophia. I can be positive that they were the most precious and important things in my life for they taught me how to survive in a way I couldn't know that was possible and showed me how to be resilient and feel a love that could overcome each and every kind of obstacles I could possibly find in my existence. I hope they never have any doubts about this everlasting love, but I also know that maybe my current decisions will add a fog in front of their eyes and it may take a while for them to understand my reasons and finally forgive my selfish actions and at last see this love again. I completely understand that.
For whoever is reading this, please please please let them know it. It's my only wish.
For those who think that it's something I "got" from my mother: just think again. And now again. Human beings are absurdly complex and different from each other. It's quite surreal when a person tries to label individuals like this. It's superficial and selfish - and kind of lazy, for the person who thinks himself capable of it is totally not willing to think, and search, and discovery. So for you, my honest "shut up".
For those who think I'd possibly quit because of "loving someone" - please, reconsider. All that I'm feeling is a sum of every scar I gathered in and outside of me. Each one of these scars has a distinct pain and reminds me of the worst moments I'd passed since my earliest years. So again - please, do not consider yourself able to understand. People who passed for my existence tried to understand and failed - those who at least tried, of course.
For some rare people was I able to open up - and it hurt as hell when I finally did it. Some of them betrayed me and hurt me even more, using my own words and confessions to make me feel even more miserable. Whoever did it, knows it's all about him/her. Maybe - and I'm just assuming this for I insist on thinking these people may have something good inside of them - they were also hurt as well and couldn't help doing what they did for their own inner monsters were too strong. I'd rather think that's their motivation for doing what they'd done to me.
Now... toxic people. The most bitter pages of my book of life belong to these ones. People who I loved, and once loved me too - and I'm guessing once again - were the ones to whom I gave parts of my soul. But unfortunately for some reason they couldn't handle it, or only momentaneously wanted it around and quit later. Others had me near but decided to hate me with the same speed and will that tried to like me when we'd met. And consciously decided to make my life a living hell. Those I couldn't forgive, and I blame myself for it every day. I don't know if I'll be able to do it one day - if there's even any kind of "something" beyond waiting for me.
If I could summarize this feeling here inside - this very feeling which has accompained me my entire life - it could be something as "dying while alive". And for the first time in my life I'm giving myself the chance to make it all stop. All this pain, all this torment. I just can't stand this anymore.
For those who I loved in any sense - I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. I don't know what else I could say to express what I'm feeling. It's just too much, and I simply can't go any further.
terça-feira, 13 de fevereiro de 2018
sexta-feira, 26 de janeiro de 2018
Day22/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
#Day22 (26/01/2018) ::
You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium
Cut me down
But it's you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium, I am titanium
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard, thus bulletproof glass
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
I am titanium
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium, I am titanium
Cut me down
But it's you who has further to fall
Ghost town, haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium, I am titanium
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard, thus bulletproof glass
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium
I am titanium
Day21/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
Sitting here just watching you sleep
Wish I could slip inside and be
In some technicolor dream
But the air's too thick for one of us to breathe
I'm not fool enough to think
You couldn't live life without me
Wish I could slip inside and be
In some technicolor dream
But the air's too thick for one of us to breathe
I'm not fool enough to think
You couldn't live life without me
I didn't come this far to throw the towel in
I didn't fight this hard to walk away
If I ain't smart enough to say I'm sorry
It's just because the words got in the way
I didn't fight this hard to walk away
If I ain't smart enough to say I'm sorry
It's just because the words got in the way
I remember how it used to be
I was you and you were me
We were more than just the same
Now these shoes don't fit, my skin's too tight
When you want a kiss, I take a bite
Let your heart call up the cops, read me my rights
I was you and you were me
We were more than just the same
Now these shoes don't fit, my skin's too tight
When you want a kiss, I take a bite
Let your heart call up the cops, read me my rights
Last night I drank enough to drown
Raise a toast to your good looks and to my health
Look, we both know how much i've let you down
Janie don't you take your love to town
Raise a toast to your good looks and to my health
Look, we both know how much i've let you down
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
You deserve a shooter, a saint
Someone to give it to you straight
To find the soul throught flesh and bone
My life's a treasure, full of sunny weather
But it's left me feeling cold
Now all you want to do is take me home
Someone to give it to you straight
To find the soul throught flesh and bone
My life's a treasure, full of sunny weather
But it's left me feeling cold
Now all you want to do is take me home
I hated you, the night you said you loved me
I hated you, 'cause I couldn't love myself
I'm begging you now, baby please just hold me
I got one foot in, one foot off the ground
I hated you, 'cause I couldn't love myself
I'm begging you now, baby please just hold me
I got one foot in, one foot off the ground
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
Sitting here while you're fast asleep
In the bathroom by the sink
Trying to write the right words down
I turn out the lights, close my eyes
There ain't no prayers or kiss goodnight
What i'll forget to say tomorrow, i'll say now
Janie don't you take your love to town
In the bathroom by the sink
Trying to write the right words down
I turn out the lights, close my eyes
There ain't no prayers or kiss goodnight
What i'll forget to say tomorrow, i'll say now
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
Janie don't you take your love to town
If i've got to beg, i'll beg, just don't walk away
Janie don't you take your love to town
Day20/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
#Day20 (24/01/2018) ::
Seus olhos e seus olhares
Milhares de tentações
Meninas são tão mulheres
Seus truques e confusões
Se espalham pelos pelos, boca e cabelo
Peitos e poses e apelos
Me agarram pelas pernas, certas mulheres
Como você, me levam sempre onde querem
Milhares de tentações
Meninas são tão mulheres
Seus truques e confusões
Se espalham pelos pelos, boca e cabelo
Peitos e poses e apelos
Me agarram pelas pernas, certas mulheres
Como você, me levam sempre onde querem
Garotos não resistem aos seus mistérios
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Seus dentes e seus sorrisos
Mastigam meu corpo e juízo
Devoram os meus sentidos
Eu já não me importo comigo
Então são mãos e braços, beijos e abraços
Pele, barriga e seus laços
São armadilhas, e eu não sei o que faço
Aqui de palhaço, seguindo seus passos
Mastigam meu corpo e juízo
Devoram os meus sentidos
Eu já não me importo comigo
Então são mãos e braços, beijos e abraços
Pele, barriga e seus laços
São armadilhas, e eu não sei o que faço
Aqui de palhaço, seguindo seus passos
Garotos não resistem aos seus mistérios
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Se espalham pelos pelos, boca e cabelo
Peitos e poses e apelos
Me agarram pelas pernas, certas mulheres
Como você, me levam sempre onde querem
Peitos e poses e apelos
Me agarram pelas pernas, certas mulheres
Como você, me levam sempre onde querem
Garotos não resistem aos seus mistérios
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só
Garotos não resistem aos seus mistérios
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Garotos nunca dizem não
Garotos, como eu, sempre tão espertos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Perto de uma mulher, são só garotos
Day19/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
#Day19 (23/01/2018) ::
Esta tem não um, mas vários sentidos na minha trajetória... Quem fez parte dessa época, sabe do que se trata. 
Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
Cause in the end there's nobody else
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin
So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
E'en when you don't think that you can
Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
Cause in the end there's nobody else
Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live
Day18/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
#Day18 (22/01/2018) ::
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her, six feet under, and I can still hear her complain
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I had to put her, six feet under, and I can still hear her complain
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I knew I'd miss her, so I had to keep her
She's buried right in my back yard
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I knew I'd miss her, so I had to keep her
She's buried right in my back yard
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much. She drove me nuts, and now I'm happier this way
I used to love her, but I had to kill her, and I can still hear her complain
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
She bitched so much. She drove me nuts, and now I'm happier this way
I used to love her, but I had to kill her, and I can still hear her complain
domingo, 21 de janeiro de 2018
Day17/version 1 - "30 Days Music Challenge"
#Day17 (21/01/2018) ::
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight
Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
I`m going down so frail `n cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
Greatest thrill
Not to kill
But to have the prize of the night
Hypocrite
Wannabe friend
13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!
Last dance, first kiss
Your touch my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight
Deep into a dying day
I took a step outside an innocent heart
Prepare to hate me fall when I may
This night will hurt you like never before
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
I`m going down so frail `n cruel
Drunken disguise changes all the rules
Old loves they die hard
Old lies they die harder
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
Greatest thrill
Not to kill
But to have the prize of the night
Hypocrite
Wannabe friend
13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!
Last dance, first kiss
Your touch my bliss
Beauty always comes with dark thoughts
I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel
Your Virgin Mary undone
I`m in love with my lust
Burning angel wings to dust
I wish I had your angel tonight
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